Avoid the booty call blues and get the love -- and sex -- you deserve!
Come on. Admit it. He may not be that into you, but were you ever really that into him? He was never "the one," but you lowered your standards and dated him in the meantime. Why? For any number of reasons: you were lonely, you were horny, you thought dating him was better than being alone, all your friends are getting married -- you name it. And before you knew it, you got hung up on the jerk. Go figure.
The world is full of sensational women, but in today's market there are too few good men to go around (or so it appears). Now Dr. Ian Kerner, clinical sexologist and author of the smash hit She Comes First, explores the battlefield of sex, hook ups, go-nowhere relationships, and the dismal dating treadmill, simultaneously arming women with a sharper set of insights and the tools for change. With humor and sincerity, Kerner shows women how to break the cycle of dating defeat and use the power of sex to find love, "with a great guy who is into you." So raise your standards -- and reach for the love you deserve!
"Didn't your mother tell you that sex
leads to things like dating?"
-- Frasier Crane to Roz
in an episode of Frasier
Sex happens. It's out there, everywhere, and you probably don't have to look that hard to find it. Thanks to the Internet, you can even look for sex (or socks, or both at the same time) from the comfort of your own home. Yes, women today have more sexual freedom than ever before, and a lot of you are taking advantage of this right. You are sensual, confident, openminded, and prepared to go after what you want. And these instincts are not at odds with finding a man who will adore you.
And in the best-case scenario, you may be having all this sex with a guy you really like and who likes you. If so, I hope you're screwing like it's prom night and falling madly in love! But this is not always the situation. Most of you are single or in that chaotic limbo state of existence we call "dating." But still you find yourself horny, or lonely, or in between boyfriends.
So, what are your choices? Well, there's always Nick at Nite or your friendly neighborhood Rabbit but both of those get tiring, and after a while even the idea of a fresh set of Duracells starts to lose its luster. So, you call an ex or you go on a date and you meet a guy and soon enough you're sleeping with someone you know you are not really that into.
Men do this all the time, of course, because, well, they're men. But women can do it as well, and it can be exciting and perhaps even satisfying so long as you're being honest about your motivations and what you're getting (or, more likely, not getting) out of the bargain.
The Horny Girl
"It sounds like a cliché, but I have needs as well. I get
horny and I need to deal with it. And even when I know
it's not the perfect situation, I sleep with guys I know I'm
not into. Is it love? No. But at least it's another body."
-- Karen, 33, advertising, Denver
Karen's situation is quite common. I hear stories like hers all the time in my work. Female desire, from a purely physiological point of view, often outpaces that of males.
Why? Well, as Hugh Hefner knows all too well, the female body is built for sex. A woman is like a sleek, turbocharged Maserati compared to her male Yugo counterpart. And what is the engine that drives this pimped-out ride? The clitoris, which has no purpose other than sexual pleasure. It comes factory-built with twice as many nerve endings as the male penis (about eight thousand in total), an enviable anatomical reality that gives rise to multiple orgasms. (Viva la vulva!)
While guys are at their sexual best at about the time they can begin voting, women peak between their late twenties and early forties (among other proof points, women in their "sexual prime" report an increase in orgasms at these ages). While some of this can be attributed to hormonal changes, one major factor seems to be social conditioning. As women gain experience and self-confidence, they begin to feel more comfortable with themselves and their bodies. This in turn leads them to embrace erotic exploration as they discover their deeper sexual selves.
It's your world, ladies; we men just write books telling you how best to have sex in it.
Ian Kerner, Ph.D., received his doctorate in Clinical Sexology from the American Academy of Clinical Sexologists, where he is currently on faculty. He is the author of She Comes First and the forthcoming (Summer 2005) He Comes Next. A Phi Beta Kappa graduate of Brandeis University, Kerner lives with his wife and baby, Owen, in New York City.
